Can't Hide From The Past

"You're following me." The way he said it made it obvious he was being his usual self, the person that had been missing since the incident that ruined everything between him and I.
"I'm not following you, I'm walking with you. There's a difference." He just shook his head, always being so ignorant. We talked as we walked, about nothing in particular. Random things that had no real importance, except to us it did, and as we walked I couldn't help but smile. It was something he was good at, always had been, no mater how hard I tried not to.
"So, why don't you want to go home?" He asked, looking at me intently. I couldn't help but shrug. I didn't want to tell him the real reason, so I made up an excuse that was actually sorta true.
"I don't want to deal with the nine year old right now, she's been annoying me lately."
He looked at me before shaking his head, "That's what little siblings are for, to be a pain. You learn to live with it."

"Like you learn to live without the one person that you need the most?" I wanted to say, but I couldn't get myself to say it because of the deal we had. Just friends. Besides, he had a girlfriend. If I said anything out of context, anything that would make him sway, I would be breaking not only our deal but my promise as well. I just looked at him and smiled; he stopped walking again. We were in the shade but he was still breathing heavily, which made me instantly worried. I looked him up and down and gave him a look that said, "Are you okay?"
He stared at me for a few seconds before explaining to me why he was getting so worn out, telling me he wasn't usually like this. The way he said it was almost like he was reassuring me, which he probably was because he knew me too well. He knew I would keep worrying until I knew he was okay. He looked me in the eyes and everything came back, why I fell in love with him, why he meant so much to me, why I couldn't lose him. I looked away fearing that he would be able to read my thoughts, thoughts that I shouldn't be having.

We started walking again, joking around like we always did before. He was back to being his normal self, the person that I was used to seeing, the person that I had missing seeing. He was the person that I turned to for anything and everything, and yet he was the person that I shouldn't be letting see my weaknesses. He already knew most of them as it is; he's had enough time to figure them all out. One of them, possibly my greatest weekness, is bringing up my past. And he did.
"...Actually it was when we were dating, over the summer." I cringed internally, I didn't want to start this conversation, I didn't want to talk about the past with him. I didn't want to be reminded that we lost what we had. I looked down as we walked, I didn't know where we were going so I was relying on him to lead me, I watched my feet for a few seconds before looking around me. I was avoiding making eye contact with him.
"Yeah." I couldn't get anything else out, but that didn't stop him from continuing his story, the whole time I listened I was hiding the urge to sigh and cringe and beg him to stop talking.

I wondered if he knew how much I didn't want to talk about the past with him, and yet at the same time I wanted to just so he could see it from my perspective. A perspective that I've kept quiet and inside of me this whole time. I knew part of me still loved him, like it always would, no matter how hard I tried not to. But now I can't love him in the same way that I used to be able to, he'd moved on and so had I. We couldn't keep letting the past control our future, our past is just that, the past. A past that can't be brought back, it can't be fixed, too much was said, too much was done, too much was changed. Too much has changed, so we can't go back.

"Sometimes you remind me of a puppy, no matter how much the world brings you down you still stay energetic and faithful." He looked at me and smiled a cocky smile.
"Faithful..? And why do you have to be such an asshole?"
"You're still here, even though I haven't exactly treated you how you should be treated. You keep me around even though I'm an asshole, even though I know it's hard for you sometimes to not think about our past when you're around me. I'm an asshole because it is my job.. You might as well pay me for it."
"I feel like there's a hidden apology in that?"
"Not hidden at all."
"Oh." Again, I was at a loss for words, left to process everything and wonder if he and I will ever be able to be friends like we were, before everything that has happened.